Tools for Getting Back in Balance Explained

Helping Our Kids (and Ourselves) Through Big Feelings

In this post you will find:

• Why timing matters

• Tears are the true healing

• Doing our own work

• Resource table for emotions

• Mindfulness: Breathing, Grounding, Visualisation

• Connection: Why, Attachment Theory, Practical Tips, Our needs matter more

• Play and Movement including power reversal games

Why Timing Matters

Check out the “Understanding Our Kids” section for more on why, how, and when strategies can be helpful.

One of the biggest misunderstandings about regulation is that we should teach calming strategies during a meltdown. But when children are in the middle of big feelings, their thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) is temporarily offline. This means they’re unlikely to respond well to mindfulness prompts or problem-solving in the moment.

That’s why it’s so powerful to explore these strategies at other times, through play, stories, connection, and repetition.

Tears Are Healing

We live in a culture that often wants to stop or fix crying. But the truth is, crying, raging, and melting down are all natural stress-release processes. They’re not behaviours to be punished, instead they’re signs your child needs safety and support.

It’s not easy to stay present when our children cry or rage. Many of us didn’t receive that kind of support ourselves. We were distracted away from feelings, told to “stop crying,” or punished for emotional expression. That’s why being with our children in their emotions can feel so hard. But it’s also why it matters.

As a psychologist, I see every day how important it is to feel, name, and express emotions in a safe way. If we can show our kids that all feelings are welcome, we lay the foundation for emotional resilience and self-awareness that lasts a lifetime.

Doing Our Own Work

There are so many brilliant voices out there sharing ways to support children through big feelings. But the most powerful place to begin is with ourselves.

Learning to name, tolerate, and express our own emotions (without avoidance, reactivity, judgement or shame) is the ultimate gift we can give our kids. And let’s be honest, most of us are still learning this, too.

We can’t teach what we haven’t practiced.

Check out the “Support for Mums” and “Support for Dads” posts for more resources.

Naming Emotions

Sometimes naming your child’s emotions in the moment is calming. Other times, it might make them more upset. There’s no one-size-fits-all rule here. You know your child best—practice, observe, and see what helps.

• If naming it makes things worse, try waiting until after the storm has passed to reflect back what you think they were feeling.

• Model naming your own feelings in everyday moments, e.g., “I feel a bit frustrated right now. I need a moment to breathe.”

When we build emotional vocabulary, we:

• Help kids connect physical sensations to emotions

• Support self-understanding and empathy

• Reduce shame and confusion around big feelings

📌 Click here for a resource outlining different emotions, what they might be communicating and where they might be felt in the body (attempting to upload, contact directly for a copy)

💬 Try this during story time:

While reading Feeling Balanced, model naming a time you felt each emotion. Ask your child if they remember feeling that way too. “What did your body feel like when you were sad?” “Where did you feel mad in your body?”

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the ability to pay full attention to the present moment. In today’s fast-paced, distracted world, this is a skill we all need, but it takes time and practice to build, especially for kids. The benefits of mindfulness are so far reaching, and it’s a practice humans have engaged in for centuries.

Mindfulness has been defined as:

“simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it wont).”

Mindful Breathing

One of the easiest ways to build mindfulness skills is through paying attention to the breath. Mindful breathing both encourages us to focus on the present moment, while also activating our calming system (parasympathetic nervous system) and sending the message to our brain that our environment is safe. 

Try square breathing:

• Inhale for 4 seconds

• Hold for 4 seconds

• Exhale for 4 seconds

• Hold for 4 seconds

You can trace a square with your finger or visually tracing with your eyes, arounda window, book, or doorframe (anything with 4 sides) as you breathe.

The more often you use it, the more naturally your children will begin to, too.

Stay tuned for more kid friendly breathing strategies in the next book - purchase Feeling Balanced here to support the production of the next books in the series.

Grounding Through the Senses

Grounding brings our attention into the body and back to the present. It’s especially helpful during overwhelm or after high-energy play.

Try the 5 Senses Game:

• What can I see?

• What can I feel (touch)?

• What can I hear?

• What can I smell?

• What can I taste?

For young children, focus on just one sense at a time.

💬 A lovely moment:

Lying on the trampoline after playing Crocodile Snap (see below), tuning into the clouds above and the sounds around. It may only last 38 seconds, but it’s a lovely mindful, connected 38 seconds.

Visualisation

While not strictly mindfulness, when we specifically focus on a scene that helps us feel safe, visualisation can help our brain can begin to return to balance.

You might start by describing your happy place, and then encouraging your child to close their eyes and describe their happy place. 

💬 While reading Feeling Balanced

“Close your eyes and picture your favourite place. What can you see? What sounds can you hear? What’s the weather like?”

Connection = Balance

When our kids are melting down, clinging, arguing, or seemingly overreacting, it’s easy to jump into managing behaviour. But what if the answer wasn’t control… but connection?

Why Connection Comes First

From the moment they’re born, children learn about themselves and the world through their connection with us. This bond (what psychologists call attachment) forms the foundation of how safe they feel, how they manage emotions, and how they develop resilience over time.

According to attachment theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth) and thinkers like Dan Siegel and Aletha Solter (Aware Parenting), the most healing moments for children don’t happen when we’re giving advice or setting consequences, they happen in the moments we’re simply present.

Crying, play, and laughter are the nervous system’s way of releasing tension, but they only support healing when they happen in the presence of a safe, emotionally available adult.

This is called co-regulation, and it’s not just a parenting tool, it’s a biological process. Through eye contact, tone of voice, gentle touch, and attuned presence, we literally help shape our child’s developing brain and nervous system.

As Dr. Siegel explains in interpersonal neurobiology:

“We borrow regulation from those around us.”

That means our children learn how to calm, focus, and cope not just by being told what to do, but by feeling our calm in their bodies.

A Quick Introduction to Attachment

Attachment refers to the emotional bond between a child and their caregiver. A secure attachment forms when a child experiences their parent as:

• Emotionally available

• Predictable and safe

• Responsive to distress

• Attuned to their needs - not perfectly, but often enough

Children with a secure attachment are more likely to explore the world with confidence, return to their caregiver when overwhelmed, and develop healthier relationships over time.

It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being present and repairing when things go off track.

Practical Ways to Build Connection

These small moments have a big impact:

• Get down on their level: Eye contact and physical closeness signals safety

• Validate their feelings: “You’re feeling really mad. That’s okay — I’m here.”

• Slow down: Presence is powerful. Just sitting with them is enough.

• Use laughter and play: These are nervous system releases — not just fun!

• Respond to crying with compassion: Letting them release in your arms builds trust

• Take care of you: Your regulation is their foundation. They borrow your calm.

Why We Need to Look After Ourselves First

We’ve all heard it, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. If you’re touched out, overstimulated, or emotionally drained, it’s going to be so much harder to offer that calm, connected presence.

That’s not a reflection of your love, it’s just biology.

Children borrow our nervous systems to find balance. That means your own rest, support, boundaries, and emotional nourishment are essential parts of parenting well.

This isn’t a luxury, it’s the foundation.

This leans on why having our own boundaries as parents is so pivotal, and balancing everyone’s needs is the key. When we get more comfortable with our children expressing their feelings, we can work towards allowing our needs to be just as important as our children’s.

💛 Connection is the path to emotional balance. The good news? It’s not about doing more — it’s about being more emotionally present, more often. And it always starts with you.

Play and Movement: The Language of Regulation

Big feelings and stress responses don’t just live in the brain, they live in the body. And they need to be moved through.

Have you ever noticed how your child is more cooperative and calm after a dance party or game of chasey (and also that huge cry/rage)? That’s because movement helps discharge the stress energy that floods their system during fight-or-flight.

Play

Play is how children make sense of their world.

It’s also how they heal.

• Use play to prepare children for big changes (e.g., new sibling, hospital visit).

• Use play to process emotional experiences (e.g., power struggles, separations).

Healing Play Tip:

Laughter is as healing as tears. If a game gets your child laughing, lean into it. Avoid tickling though, it can increase feelings of powerlessness.

Power-Reversal Games

These help kids feel strong, capable, and in control, counteracting all the times they experience powerlessness every day.

Try:

• Pillow fights where they always win

• Chasey where you’re slow and silly

• “Crocodile Snap” (you try to catch them but always fail)

Look for:

• More physical touch

• Increased eye contact

• Closeness and laughter

All are signs of safety and connection, and help discharge built-up stress.

Attachment Play is a fantastic book if your looking for more play ideas, as well as the Parenting with PLAY Podcast

Movement

When the sympathetic nervous system is activated, the body is flooded with hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. This creates energy, so movement is one of the most natural ways to regulate.

Try:

• Dancing

• Jumping on the spot

• Shaking out limbs

• Pushing against walls

• Hitting a pillow or couch

• Ripping paper or junk mail

These aren’t punishments or “timeouts”, they’re nervous system tools.

More Coming Soon

Check back soon for more resources coming soon

Until then, remember:

• All feelings are welcome

• Connection is the priority

• You’re doing better than you think 💛